Young Writers Society

the final "he" stands out way too much. i really like the way you've broken the rest of it up. he / numbs, he /holds, etc. however, this last "he" has nothing to break and then flow into and it's like its throwing itself against something invisible.

i mean, invisibility is great and all. just not so good, as far as i feel, right there.


otherwise. i think the language was fine. the rest of the piece wasnt too formal, so it wasnt really distracting from very much, taking away from eloquence (i've actually read a couple where they use "fuck" very eloquently, though that was more of a verb than an exclamation).

This poem seems rather confusing to me and I don't really like the last "He". It seems to be randomly placed without any real purpose at the bottom. The poem is good, however, and I like the idea behind it. Play with your stanzas a little to try to make them more complete and make the poem itself flow better.

The constant use of the one-word line "He" really gets on my nerves. You can leave it as is the first stanza, but in the second stanza, add "knows" to the first line. In the third stanza, this doesn't work, so move the whole second line up to the top "He holds me/And actually cares..."

Because of you.

He.

hey it was good! Pretty short though!

Thank you very much. I was definitely going for the art, but who isn't! I swear A LOT and I can't help it, I'll try to stop for your sake, for the boardies' sake. I thought your comment was witty and helpful and I will try to carry it out in my next piece, even if it means making the "f-word" a "non f-word".

Thank you again.

Short but sweet. Don't like the language, but I never do in any case. It certainly shows that you're really PO'd. I just didn't really feel the emotion so much in the rest of the essay- probably has to do with the immense use of enjambement, which makes it feel like you're just breaking up lines to make it look longer or something. And that last He doesn't really sound good to me. It certainly gets the point across, though, and in an artful way, too.